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Midlands Movies Feature - Respect The Cock - A Cruise Top 10 Of Sorts

By midlandsmovies, Jul 31 2015 03:33PM

Respect The Cock - A Cruise Top 10 Of Sorts


When Midlands Movies Mike (as I am contractually obliged to call him) asked me if I’d like to write a Top 10 piece on Tom Cruise, I lurched drunkenly at the chance and offered it outside for a fight.


But it turned out that he meant pick my top 10 films by the microScientologist. Ah.


Y’see, I can’t stand Tom Cruise. Even leaving aside his frankly insane pronouncements in interviews and the like, I loathe his anodyne, uninspired, unimaginative, box office-fodder “blockbusters”, and I find his acting utterly, as they say in my country, shite.


This may not be the article MMM deserves, but it’s the article he needs right now.


So here’s my Tom Cruise Top 10.


10. Top Gun

Utterly irredeemable wank where he perfected his toothy, grinny, runny schtick. I understand that they’re making a sequel. Oh goody.


9. Cocktail

A film about a barman who learns how to be a better barman from an older, wiser barman. The older barman dies, the young barman becomes the best barman. Barman.


8. A Few Good Men

He runs! He shouts! Jack Nicholson phones it in! Meh.


7. Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles

Short-arse is not even remotely believable as the supposedly louche, seductive vampire. Put paid to a mooted series based on the rest of the execrable Anne Rice novels, so there’s that, I suppose.


6. Mission: Impossible (All of the bastards)

A series of typically messy, runny, explodey Tommy vehicles. Most memorable for the re-working of Lalo Shiffrin’s iconic theme by the least talented members of U2. Which is saying something. And would they have been able to dangle a normal-sized human from a clothesline through that small hole in the roof?


5. Rain Man

Dustin Hoffman: Oscar Bait. Insert “Full retard” line from Tropic Thunder here. Tommy is utterly irrelevant when not being fucking annoying.


4. Vanilla Sky

Cruise Does Arthouse. Which happens to be an anagram of “Thou arse”, which is exactly what Marlow, Bacon and all that crowd would call him to his fat grinning face.


3. Tropic Thunder

He wasn’t in this much, so that was all right.


2. Minority Report

I liked this, actually. But then I’m a Philip K. Dick fanboy, no matter how much they make an arse of his novels or - in this case - short stories. An intriguing premise, as you’d expect of anything from the lad Dick, but of course the transition to the screen lost a lot of that intrigue and ended up being mostly just Cruise running around again. There’s a pretty good bit with some cars. Future cars! Worth it for Samantha Morton alone, though.


1. Magnolia

This film’s a favourite of mine, but obviously not because of our Tommy being in it. In fact I seem to have repressed everything about his role apart from him declaiming the title of this article.


Top 10 by J. Sirin

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